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The 20 Most Ridiculous GI JOE File Cards


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#1 OFFLINE   Tashimojo

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Posted 07 April 2012 - 12:56 PM

If you cruise the toy aisles nowadays, you'll find that the majority of contemporary action figures come with dice, some form of stat card relating to a game, and possibly a stand. But back in the '80s and '90s, all figures came with were weapons and a bio file on the back of the card to be cut out and collected in a shoebox. Nearly every figure line featured these little cut-outs, but none of them had as much richness to their biographical sketches as G.I. Joe. But did any kids really pay attention to the details on these cards?

If they did, they may have questioned why so many Joes and Cobras were miserable degenerates, chronic gamblers, womanizers, and failed poets. The army seemed to have sent recruiters to the darkest backwoods of the U.S. to rope in any roughneck with a dangerous job and a mountain of speeding tickets in their glove compartment. Every card attempted to sugarcoat the fact that the Joes were a gang of lowlifes by noting that they were all qualified experts in NATO and Warsaw Pact small arms.

Blame it on Larry Hama, the writer of the Marvel G.I. Joe comic, who was also happened to write the a good portion of the file cards for the figures (and often, their names). Hama managed to deliver concise little background sketches in a very short amount of words -- sometimes with humorous and somewhat baffling results. Here are 20 of the most hilarious G.I. Joe bio cards -- much thanks to YoJoe.com for the images!

Read and laugh

Darklon is the best :lol2:
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#2 OFFLINE   Caniac59

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Posted 07 April 2012 - 03:44 PM

Oh how I miss my childhood and the countless hours lost to my G.I. Joe collection
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#3 OFFLINE   Left Wing Loner

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 01:29 AM

I used to have some of those figures. I definitely had #1--Hit'N'Run. He came with some pretty awesome stuff like a grappling hook and a fish gutting knife.
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#4 OFFLINE   Vader

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 12:42 PM

I didn't have many GI Joes, maybe 3 or 4. In fact, I had a friend give me a Cobra "weapons pack" for my birthday one year, which ended up with me having more guns than guys. I also only had 3 or 4 Transformers. What I did most often was play GI Joe vs. Transformers. Joe and Cobra put their differences aside to fight off those shape-shifting robots.




You know, maybe I should sue James Cameron for stealing my idea and morphing it into the Terminator series.
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#5 OFFLINE   Left Wing Loner

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 12:45 PM

I didn't have many GI Joes, maybe 3 or 4. In fact, I had a friend give me a Cobra "weapons pack" for my birthday one year, which ended up with me having more guns than guys. I also only had 3 or 4 Transformers. What I did most often was play GI Joe vs. Transformers. Joe and Cobra put their differences aside to fight off those shape-shifting robots.




You know, maybe I should sue James Cameron for stealing my idea and morphing it into the Terminator series.

Did your parents not allow you to play with guns or Star Wars figures either?
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#6 OFFLINE   Vader

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 01:14 PM

Did your parents not allow you to play with guns or Star Wars figures either?


What's Star Wars?
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#7 OFFLINE   Left Wing Loner

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 01:15 PM

What's Star Wars?

It's a 2nd rate Star Trek.
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#8 OFFLINE   Vader

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 01:20 PM

It's a 2nd rate Star Trek.


Sounds horrible.
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#9 OFFLINE   Left Wing Loner

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 01:27 PM

Sounds horrible.

Basically it's a complete rip off of Ishtar, The Fifth Element, and Stargate.

This point has been edited by Downstate: 15 April 2012 - 01:27 PM

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#10 OFFLINE   Vader

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 03:32 PM

Basically it's a complete rip off of Ishtar, The Fifth Element, and Stargate.


Dear god! I hope never to see this travesty!
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#11 OFFLINE   Tashimojo

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 03:34 PM

I used to have some of those figures. I definitely had #1--Hit'N'Run. He came with some pretty awesome stuff like a grappling hook and a fish gutting knife.

I had a couple of them too. I sorta wish I had hung on to them now, and the file cards! :lol:
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#12 OFFLINE   Douglas

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Posted 15 April 2012 - 08:44 PM

I Wonder if they will have 'Alcoholic Stepdad' Joe action figures? :teehee: And Clutch does sound like a fun dude to hang at the bar with
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#13 OFFLINE   Left Wing Loner

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Posted 16 April 2012 - 02:00 PM

Being slightly older and of the precisely right age, I remember when G.I. Joe started making the 3 3/4" figures in the early 80's.
And for the record Rock'n'Roll has always been one of my favorites. Originally he came with an M-60 machine gun and had crossed bullets on his chest. Bad ass.
He was not in Star Wars, Vader; but Destro was. Or at least a guy who wanted to be Destro.
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